Lost on a Loop Trail: Superpowers

“If you could gain the power of flight or the power of invisibility, which would you choose and why?”

I was recently listening to an old episode of the radio show “This American Life.” The theme of the hour was superpowers. In response to the question about flying or invisibility, a large number of respondents said that while they would prefer invisibility, they would choose flying instead. In themselves, they recognized their own superpower of moral corruption and could clearly see the ethical boundaries that invisibility would tempt them to cross.

Those who leaned toward invisibility asked some good questions. Would they leave footprints in the mud or snow? Would they be spotted by thermal imaging cameras? Likewise, many who chose the option of flying did not make the leap into that decision without first asking how fast they could go. When it was 5 miles per hour or less, some preferred to walk or cycle. If they could fly super fast, they speculated they would get cold and have to wear layers in late fall and lots of wool in deep winter.

Rather than flight, invisibility, spider powers, porcupine powers, or any of the other superhero powers I read about in comic books and see on the big screen, I selfishly admit that I’m more interested in acquiring one or more of the impractical /practical forces listed below. If I have to experience a freak chemical accident, let me walk away from it with the ability to…

1. Find out in seconds which bulb is keeping the string of holiday lights from turning on.
2. Always put on shirts correctly so I’m never told I’m wearing my shirt inside out.
3. Using the power of telekinesis, you can levitate and bag clumps of cat litter while standing 20 feet away from the litter box.
4. Turn all the traffic lights green when I go to Cook’s Corner and come back.
5. Go to the store and never have to look in an egg carton again to see if any eggs are broken, because I just know.
6. Always wake up after, and not before, my morning alarm goes off.
7. Inflate balls, tires and pool toys with my pinky finger.
8. Don’t gag when I come across blue cheese dressing.
9. Force drivers who develop road rage to roll down their windows and sing “Rainbow Connection” at the top of their lungs instead.
10. Never lose that “I am home!” feeling as I cross the Kittery Bridge back into Maine.
11. Design a wheat flake that will not bounce the poured milk back onto me and onto my clothes.
12. Select the correct plastic lid for the correct plastic bowl on the first try.
13. Eat raw cookie dough and never get food poisoning from salmonella.
14. Find a way through Wiscasset in the summer without going through Wiscasset.
15. Set my car’s speedometer to miles and actually know how fast I’m going in miles per hour.
16. Calculate an acceptable ratio for the population density of cities and mattress stores.
17. Shake hands and always give the firmer handshake.
18. Make balloon animals that will impress even clowns.
19. Intuitively, I know not to turn off the television right before my favorite sports team is about to make an impossible comeback.
20. Cast a pins and needles feeling in the feet of strangers talking on their cell phones while riding in an elevator with me.
21. Use mind control and force the good people who run the Harpswell Anchor to put my column on the front page.

What practical/impractical superpower would you like to have? Let me know by posting a comment on the Anchor Facebook page when this article is posted. Until then… up, up and AWAY… at a comfortable speed of 32.2 km/h (20 mph) on a warm, sunny day.

Gregory Greenleaf lives in Harpswell and teaches high school English. He writes, writes and subscribes to many old-fashioned ideas, but especially Charles Dickens’ observation: “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”