Elder Renlund, Clay Olsen and others say healing through pornography is possible – Deseret News

“My message is that being influenced by pornography is not an impossible situation. There is hope, there is health, and there is healing,” Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church, Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said Saturday morning at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography conference.

The conference at the Salt Palace in downtown Salt Lake City brought together church leaders, certified physicians and activists to discuss the harm individuals and families experience from pornography and how they can find healing and hope. About 215 people attended the conference.

Elder Renlund and Clay Olsen, founder of Fight the New Drug, were the day’s keynote speakers.

Finding healing through hope in Jesus Christ

Elder Renlund used an object lesson to show that there is always hope and healing, even when it may not be apparent at first. He took out a block of wood with a nail driven halfway into it and asked a volunteer to balance fourteen nails on that one nail. Every time she put a nail on it, it rolled off. Elder Renlund then positioned the nails so that they would balance on that one nail—“the seemingly impossible is possible.”

“You can attach a symbolic meaning to each of these nails. There are two important nails and they are the horizontal ones,” Elder Renlund said. One of those nails represents a person affected by pornography, such as a person who views pornography or a loved one of someone who views pornography.

“In other words, this bottom nail represents you and me. If we believe the situation is hopeless, then it is. We have to believe that change is possible.”

That brought Elder Renlund to the second nail, which he said was based on his faith. It represents Jesus Christ.

“He offers hope to the seemingly hopeless and help to those who feel lost. In getting to know him better, I have learned that he enjoys healing wounds you cannot heal, fixing things that are broken beyond repair, and making up for the unfairness you have experienced,” says Elder Renlund. “And he absolutely loves to mend even broken hearts permanently.”

The other nails in the arrangement represent those who can provide hope and healing, such as friends, family members, church leaders and mental health professionals.

Elder Renlund said he and the Church of Jesus Christ condemn pornography in any form. “It harms individuals, families and societies. It draws us away from God and damages our ability to feel the influence of the Holy Spirit. Because all forms of pornographic material are unhealthy, opposition to its production, distribution and use is justified.”

Following this opening statement, Elder Renlund invited Jill Manning, licensed marriage and family therapist, and Dan Gray, licensed clinical social worker, to the podium to walk through various scenarios to model how parents and loved ones can discuss and address pornography use.

One scenario involved a 16-year-old boy named Bob, who regularly viewed pornography, had never told anyone, and felt overwhelming shame. Bob eventually tells his parents. Elder Renlund asked the two doctors how parents and church leaders could best respond—and whether the answer should be different if the scenario involved a daughter and not a son.

Gray said it is important for parents to help their children control their behavior and also emphasize that it is positive that the child came forward and was willing to be honest. Manning said that to help a child achieve long-term sobriety from pornography, a child may need to work with a mental health professional to see if there is depression or anxiety that has not yet been addressed.

“If these are not identified, this young person, I fear, would have more difficulty than necessary in achieving long-term sobriety,” Manning said, adding that the response would be the same for a daughter.

Openness and responsibility were themes repeated during Saturday’s conference. As the panel discussed another scenario in which a spouse was injured by her husband’s use of pornography, Elder Renlund emphasized the dual need to recognize the real pain caused and the effort the husband makes to overcome pornography. Elder Renlund quoted from “The Brothers Karamazov” by Russian writer Fyodor Dostoyevsky: “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lies comes to the point where he can no longer discern any truth, either within himself or anywhere around him.”

“The path is this openness,” Elder Renlund said, explaining that openness will lead to healing and that hope in Christ can facilitate that healing.

Important experiences on the road to recovery

“Hope, healing, happiness,” Olsen said. “It is available. It is real and one day it starts today.” His message focused on how recovery can be facilitated with better mental health and which audience members can leave the conference.

Research, including interviews and surveys, shows that people recovering from pornography have important experiences along their journey that make this recovery possible, Olsen said. “They maintain hope or regain hope. They make lifestyle adjustments. They improve their mental diet and receive education again.”

“They learn how to approach thoughts and emotions mindfully,” Olsen continued, adding that they also process trauma, expand their community, deepen their spirituality, find purpose and serve.

Olsen posted a quote on the screen from a man named Abdul, who said that when he focused on his Muslim faith and relationship with Allah, his recovery efforts “seemed to magnify and accelerate.”

This is common, Olsen said, emphasizing the need for both social and spiritual connection.

While these changes in so many categories can sound overwhelming, Olsen said, “What we found in the research is that even small iterative adjustments in individual lifestyle categories can be a catalyst for your ability to overcome and improve.”

Healing is possible

Corrine Stokoe, a fashion blogger and podcast host, led one of the breakout sessions called “Finding Hope and Healing from Porn Addiction.” Stokoe and her husband Neil have spoken publicly about how they are both healing after he struggled with pornography.

Neil had broken up with Corrine after three months of dating, just before Christmas. Corrine was heartbroken and called him a few days later to find out why he left her. The two went for a drive that snowy day to a parking lot overlooking the Salt Lake Valley and he told her he had a problem with pornography. Corrine said she heard a voice telling her to just listen.

“When I heard that voice, I think I heard it because God wanted me to see it the way he sees it, and not just the way the world labels people who struggle with porn addiction,” Stokoe said. The two later married and Neil continued to struggle with pornography use. Stokoe said things were difficult for their marriage and she felt like it was her responsibility to solve the problem.

Eventually, the couple both attended addiction recovery program meetings and participated in the twelve-step program. An important step is to surrender your will to God’s. After Stokoe learned to turn her burdens over to God, miracles happened in their lives and their marriage improved. She said she has seen this happen in the lives of so many others after they completed the 12 steps.

“They’re starting to get everything back. They get their wife back. They get their horse back. They get their house back and they get their lives back,” Stokoe said. And often when their lives come together again, it is much better than they could ever have imagined.

“I can testify to you that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is not some cute bedtime story that we tell our children because it sounds fun,” Stokoe said. “The Atonement of Jesus Christ has changed my life.”

There are resources available for those seeking help, including recovery the Addiction Recovery Program of the Church of Jesus Christ, as well as other support groups and counseling services listed on the website Utah Coalition Against Pornography website.