This is what the ‘Q’ in LGBTQ+ means

On May 3, 2024By Vaseline

We are a chosen family for a reason

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Anyone who is part of the LGBTQ+ community knows how it can feel lonely and isolated at times, especially those who are still closeted and don’t know how to best tap into their own identity.

For some, it’s easy to find your place in the LGBTQ+ of it all. Lesbian, gay, bi, trans, they all feel pretty obvious. But what if you know you’re part of the family, but none of those labels feel quite right. Enter Q.

Within the LGBTQ+ lexicon, the “q” stands for “queer” or “questioning,” one term that has been reclaimed over the years and the other a blanket statement for those who have not yet come out or are still trying to find out where exactly, they land.

It goes without saying that sexuality and identity are quite fluid throughout life. So maybe one day you’ll feel more B-identified, only to realize that you’re clearly Q, that’s okay!

Whether you’re open about your sexuality or not, fear is another unfortunate main tie that holds the gay community together.

On reclaiming the word ‘queer’

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Nowadays the word “queer” is used more often, but not so long ago it was used as an insult or as a form of segregation. Although many of us have had to endure the word as an insult, we are also in a period where we can reclaim it and turn it into a term of endearment.

“I almost think about it like I’m winning the other nests back over me,” Aaron Martin, an LMFT in San Francisco, tells PRIDE. “All the pieces I’ve pushed aside my whole life, all the things I’ve been told about what was good and what wasn’t good about myself. I listened to the Spice Girls, and over time I learned to bury that part of the joy the music brought me. I felt ashamed and thought it was good or bad. When I think of that in terms of queerness, I’m looking at the parts of me that I still feel that way to some extent.

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Those little pieces point directly back to the shame that often keeps people in the closet. However, Martin encourages people to appreciate those parts of ourselves, struggles and all, because it becomes a central doorway to discovering who you really are.

“I think of queerness as this ‘otherness,’” he says. “To identify so explicitly as queer, to actually embrace all the parts that are otherwise considered unacceptable or too weird or too girly or whatever, it’s essential to who you are. Let it make you a little bigger.

How does fear affect the mental health of gay men?

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Martin, who works specifically with LGBTQ+ patients suffering from anxiety, describes the search for belonging as the “Venn diagram of queerness and anxiety.”

“When it comes to questioning your own identity, it’s such a difficult subject,” he says.

When it comes to the reasons why people don’t come out, he says, “The first emotion that comes to mind is shame. Think about the stories we tell ourselves about the different parts of our identity. What are the stories we tell ourselves about the different parts of our identity? Do you question your heterosexuality, or who you are as a person?

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Shame aside, another major factor that people keep hidden comes down to systemic oppression.

“I think not only about the stories we tell ourselves, but also about the stories we’ve been told about what it means to be under this strange umbrella. Often people work so hard to separate their thoughts and feelings from that LGBTQ+ identity. I think of it as joining two pieces of wire together, strand by strand. It can be really overwhelming, so it’s almost an existential piece to question your sexuality or gender identity.”

Other struggles the queer community faces

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Because being part of the queer community is such a big umbrella that encompasses so much diversity, aside from anxiety and mental tension, another thing that connects us all is our relationship with our bodies.

“If we were to open Grindr right now,” says Martin, “I’m sure there would be a dozen or more shirtless men with bodies that look a certain way. If I consume that image over and over again, or if I consume it through Instagram or targeted ads, or maybe I’ve even Googled it, that can be quite extensive. It doesn’t take much to feel like your body needs to look a certain way.”

Martin also says he often hears clients talk about a “summer body” and how to “prepare for it,” which he challenges by saying, “What does that really mean?” Have a summer body versus a winter body versus an autumn body or a spring body? These outside stories tell us that there is a part of our body that is not right. It doesn’t take much to see that this is why gay men are more likely to engage in disordered eating. I see a lot of patients who deal with this.”

Outside influences impacting the LGBTQ+ community

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As of this writing, there are currently 489 anti-LGBTQ+ bills in the United States, according to the ACLU. In that context, Martin highlights the higher rates of depression and anxiety within the community battling a shambolic system that should really be aimed at helping them at all costs.

“We are literally in an era where people are trying to legalize harm,” he says. “We respond to fear with fear and worry about our safety. No wonder we worry constantly, at a macro level. There are people who are literally trying to outlaw our existence. Until the mid-1970s, being queer in any way was a mental disorder. Just recognize that these systems of oppression are working against us and that community is the antidote to them.”

I’m in doubt or still a bit lost… what can I do?

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Whether you’re out or not, being queer can be incredibly lonely and isolating. Queer people have to go through a lot more when it comes to figuring out their identity, unlike their heterosexual counterparts.

An important antidote to loneliness that Martin agrees with, as mentioned above, is the sense of community.

“Surround yourself with people who are there to build relationships with you and treat you well,” he says. “In some ways it can be very scary to open your world to other people, but it can also be an immensely rewarding experience.”

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In that regard, Martin also wants to emphasize the importance of coming out your conditions when you are ready.

“You’ll know when it feels best for you,” he says. “In the meantime, it’s okay to wonder what the ‘norm’ is, and it’s okay if you notice that your ‘norm’ is different from the one you were taught. There is something inherently very powerful about that process. On the one hand, even though it is vulnerable and scary, there is the other side of the same coin that gives you a feeling of power. So it’s okay to question these things and if you end up where you started, more power to you, because the more information you know about yourself, the better.”

In addition to finding a community, Martin also encourages people to find a therapist they can talk to to share what’s really going on in their heads.