I ended up creating a version of Riverdance that went viral: I’ll never have sex again

It’s getting loud in our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners who can’t believe you’ve never heard of Padel.

It all started yesterday when Adel_LovelySmell mockingly posted that her cleaning lady asked her what this new sport is called Padel.

We banned Adel for 6 weeks, #Equality #Respect, we would do anything for our cleaners except pay them more or let them have lunch with us.

(By the way, Audrey, I doubt the Padel craze has hit Ballinlough yet, but it’s basically tennis for people with Volvo Xc90s.)

My Ken is addicted. I’m glad he’s focusing on something other than Cork Con and history podcasts.

I lost the will there for a few months, it’s the only thing he could talk about, I get a nervous twitch whenever anyone mentions the Spanish Armada.

Anyway, his playing partner is my forever best friend, Kiki Mac, and I’m starting to worry that something is going on.

It seems unusual to be playing Padel at one in the morning – when I asked him who they were playing, he muttered something about AI.

I’m thinking about sneaking out to watch one of his matches with Kiki. Do you think I’ll catch them doing business?

-Jenni, Douglas Road

Don’t worry Jenni, you won’t catch them. Your Ken is very careful, I will never forget the precautions he took when he slept with me last month. And I’m not talking about contraception.

Hello from lovely Kinsale!

I don’t want to hear any of your wife swapping jokes about Kinsale now Audrey, we call it swinging these days. Just messing around, it’s actually very difficult to drive here.

Listen, everyone down here is all over the news that they’re going to charge people money to go to Venice.

Of course, it’s ridiculous to compare the two cities – Venice has nothing that compares to Charles Fort and a Dinos with tables.

We here firmly believe that it is high time to start charging people to come to Kinsale, especially during the summer months.

It’s ridiculous – my house is worth €3 million and yet I have to queue behind someone from Ballyphehane if I want to buy an ice cream.

They’ve got Youghal, isn’t that good enough for them, instead of coming here in their Hyundais and their little boys called Jadon in Liverpool jerseys?

I was at a Walls Around Kinsale meeting last night, we are a group of rich people who love our own business and can blame us.

One of our members is a leading builder. He promised to erect a large fence around the city, with turnstiles at all entrances. The only thing left to do now is to come up with an appropriate entrance fee.

What kind of money should we charge to deter people who work with their hands?

-Orla, Kinsale.

My cousin is a carpenter and lives in Ballyphehane. I said, what would it take to stop you from going to Kinsale? He said: a five second conversation with one of the locals. (At least you know.)

Hello old stock. Like everyone else on Blackrock Road, I’ll be speeding to my estate in Crookhaven (never call it Crook, that’s for Douglas Road wannabes) on May 16th.

We’re leaving Dodge because I’d rather lick the streets in Kilmallock than spend three hours watching Bruce Springsteen perform at Pairc Ui SuperValu.

They call him The Boss – as if I had a boss.

Everyone here on the right side of Blackrock Road is in charge of everything they do.

And even worse are the Springsteen fans, with busloads from Dregsville (Thurles) in their straw hats with ‘I’m only Here for the Beer’ written on them.

Anyway, it would be a shame to leave my 6.8 million euro mansion empty when I could make a fortune from it with some guy with bad taste in music and a lot of money.

I don’t want a Lotto winner fingering my Picassos now, I want someone who has at least earned his money, or better yet, inherited it just like me.

What would be a good place to find such a person?

– Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I called the posh cousin there and asked if you know any rich people who like Bruce Springsteen. She said: I would say his family, they must love him!

Good day. It’s May Bank Holiday Weekend and that can only mean one thing: Tony is going for a barbecue.

He’s my neighbor here in Ballincollig and his first barbecue of the summer is an annual tradition.

Tony loves Irish traditional music and so do I, but after two hours of listening to his musician friends play their diddly-aye, I’m starting to have murderous fantasies about impaling a freckled man on his skinny whistle.

Last year I went in to complain, but I ended up doing a version of Riverdance that went viral on TikTok and I will never have sex again. How can I get Tony to stop the Diddly Aye?

– Jurgen, Ballincollig and Berlin.

I’m having a similar problem here. Our neighbor has a set of bongos. I said: why did you choose the bongos, Irene? She said, ‘I didn’t feel like learning a musical instrument, so it was this or the bodhrán. #HonestIrene.